Yesterday We Said Goodbye

Yesterday, the wave hits me. Uesyerday is the day three years ago that we all came together to say goodbye. 

I woke up to this. Far from our babies. In the clear half light. I was blessed to have such a beautiful view and an oasis in the middle of an urban place. The place you lived. I thanked you for this view and these trees that day. I need trees when I am weak. 

I had with me my diary where I had written this. Smeared by tears. I had to say it. I shook. I broke. I carried on. Seeing the curtains close made me run to the trees. In that moment I changed forever. 

I’ve been looking for you everywhere for countless days, 

In all that surrounds me in endless ways, 

I’ve stood and I’ve listened I’ve looked to the sky, 

I’ve gone to bed weeping and woken up dry, 

Each one of us here feels your loss as a pain, 

An intrepid theft and a grief than won’t wane, 

We miss your harsh commentary on all that we do, 

Your reflections on things that always ring true, 

The wisdom that resides in your hazel flecked eyes, 

The tough love you dole out always a suprise, 

I have known you of old from the day I was born, 

Without you I feel like my soul has been torn, 

Not one step I have taken without you at my heel, 

Telling me how, what to do, how to feel, 

You’ve guided me surely and safely thus far, 

Where do I go when noone is driving the car? 

I don’t know how to reconcile what we lost, 

The theft has us scratching our heads at the cost, 

Our hearts truly broken with no sense of time, 

Peace won’t come easy it feels like a crime, 

For you who grew from humility and a life scarred with pain, 

Will not have to feel that not ever again, 

You glowed with amazing and twinkley light, 

That noone could sunder try as they might, 

You spread love to everyone present and here, 

And on through others who had to step near, 

You held within you formidable grace, 

Yet your stories never did show on your face, 

So where in eternity do I look for you now? 

You can’t just dissappear I fail to see how, 

Such vitality and love could just walk from the room, 

While we wipe our eyes wondering; hearts full of doom, 

And then I know in my heart and my soul as I stand, 

That you are right here beside me holding my hand, 

You are sat on my shoulder here at my side, 

Present when the smell of elnett travels too wide, 

Here when anyone says bugger or gett 

Currently watching when our makeup is set, 

Loving us quietly from beyond our reach, 

Arguing with nana and uncle Keith, 

I will always think of you as in the next room, 

Night night, God bless, I will speak to you soon x

And so I still speak to her. Everyday. I miss her so much.